5am

It's 5am in the morning, and not feeling sleepy.

Checked my facebook, saw a tag post. It's about the video. Told to shorten it, for a film festival in the university. I could feel a sudden prick in the heart, and it triggered the fall. The tears fell. Just couldn't contain it. '5am in the morning' I thought to myself, 'I must be crazy'.

I was blamed for many things, but where were the efforts that I have put in? I was blamed for things that crossed the minds, the only bad things, but where were those where I laid my sleepless nights to fulfill and complete something as best as I could? I understood well, that was my responsibility, that was what I offered, therefore that was what I delivered. It may not be the most perfect work, but based on the final outcome, it was still on par with the rest, seeing the comparison. We did well enough, I did well enough, they saw what was final, and they gave us what was due. I made it happen for us, but now re-phrasing it - I made it happen, except for myself. I never got the credits, never got what was due.

I was told I never showed it to the rest. Ever thought about my days and nights just like anyone elses? Assignments equally piling, with a greater responsibility to make sure everything falls to place when there are those that are unanimously known as untrustable within the group. I had to rush, have I ever been given any understanding? I work through nights, trying to do my best, have I been given any appreciation?

I wasn't there much for discussions, but were my ideas ever respected whenever I gave one? Often brushed off like dust, how do I maintain my enthusiasm? Though I wasn't there, but I performed my duties. When it lasts through the night to the morning, everyone stayed together at one place, was I ever invited to stay for the night together, all the more that I stayed so far away from where things were happening? I drove home that late night trying to reach home safely, but stopped for speeding. I begged to be spared from a RM300 speeding ticket.

When I asked to make things better the previous time, I was asked to pay myself. Though unfair as it was, but I still paid the major sum. We were complimented for a job well done. When I gave my ideas, they were still brushed off quickly like dust, and all the more the song was one I wrote, and I had the story tied to song in mind. The story that came out was different from the story of the song. Nevertheless, I put in my last efforts. I was glad then, we were one of the best. That was what I have mended and have shown, and that was what we got.

Talk about her. Her ideas were brushed off like haze, I drove her all the way to get what she wanted. I sent here there, I sent here home, and went off to another location a distance away to join a rehearsal as part of my responsibility. But it ended when I reached. It was her want, her idea, others may think it's foolish, but I know how it felt. Has anyone respected? She was appointed, but why oppose her? If can't trust her, why allow her? If she is not any better, why don't take it from her? Why make it so difficult?

I tried to be part of the group, but felt unwelcomed. I talked, but almost no reply. Given a cold shoulder, as cold as ice, I just felt like I'm not meant to be part of it. I took the responsibility, which I felt I could perform and be part of something, but I was blamed for not being a team. But that was my responsibility in the nights, and neither did I get any support nor encouragement without being ordered to work like a slave and as if my ideas were not worth a shot. When lunch was ready, everybody was set at the dining table. Nobody offered me, only among friends offers were given. While I was thinking all the time, how do get it done, and through those nights when I figured things out, was I given a single encouragement to say that 'I can do it' when I felt that I can't cope with so many things on my mind at one time?

I was told I am not supposed to give my own input, but I did consult with whom is due to give an opinion on  my intentions and my input, but I was blamed for doing things on my own and not working together. Are her ideas not worthy of consideration? Are her decisions not worthy of trust and acceptance? I was told that the feeling of a group is wanted, but has anyone ever been sensitive enough to know how I felt? I tried to tell, but I was brushed off. The same way. Jovial and bubbly, that was what I was told by someone older than me. When I broke down, I was just stared at in disbelief.

I did much, but none was taken into account based on my position and responsibilities. I delivered the best I could, I worked till the last minute and even after it. But I am still not a part of it, judging from what I could see. Expecting me to complete it for another event for people to see it, I can't afford to do it. Something tells me it's not worth it. I hurt just by looking at it, I hurt just by thinking about it.

I can't help but pour it out right here on my personal space, 5am in the morning. I kept it, but now I just want to spill it. At least, this time let me feel some comfort in saying it.