Janji kamu rupa-rupanya satu penipuan yang menyakitkan hati. Bodohnya saya mempercayai kata-kata kamu, menyangkakan bahawa kamu tidak sama dibandingkan dengan yang lain. Disebabkan kebodohanku, kini tinggallah diri saya sendiri yang sakit hati. Cinta, jauhilah diri kamu daripada saya. Saya sudah tidak tahan lagi. Biarkanku sendirian. Cukuplah setakat ini.


A trip in a VW Beetle

Today I got a ride in a VW beetle.. and MAN! It was INDESCRIBABLE!


The car:
1. ... has bouncing tyres.. We kept going UP and DOWN!
2. ... can electrocute when you HORN!
3. ... has seat belt that can suffocate a driver!
4. ... has speed that is beyond imagination!!!
5. ... aircond does not really cool down anything!
6. ... has front seats that can stick to the front seat windows..


Though it was a very heaty ride, but it was interesting too.. something different at least.. hahaha... Thanks to Mr Chee for the ride..



Life as an Intern

It started on 1st of June, and today is already 14th of July.

Amazingly, time passed pretty fast. But then, the times were not always good, but there were definitely times that ain't that bad either.

I'm not quite sure if I am enjoying myself, but I know that I did learn some new stuff and gained some new experiences. I've learnt about casting, learnt a little bit about food styling and many other little things as well. Some experiences were great to have, but some experiences were better off not having. But yet, every one of them counts.

Sometimes, there are laughter sometimes there are anger, sometimes people shout and give sarcastic remarks, sometimes people seem to care and sometimes not, but I guess this is just part of life. I did almost anything that I am supposed to do, production and non-production, being a kakak and being an assistant, but well, I guess that's just life of an intern. Don't really mind. But interns are still humans, so I still get the frustration and irritation to the thought of staying back late and without rest. But still, the work has to be done, so it shall be done.

It was quite a shitty day today, but I guess after a night's sleep everything will be fine. So, waiting for the time to go back and sleep and tomorrow morning, let there be something better. It'll be another long day tomorrow, casting and casting and casting, but then, when the work is finally done and it's out, I guess I can proudly say that I had a part in making that whole commercial a success.

Hopefully so.

Signing off, but will stay in the office. =)









It's 5am in the morning, and not feeling sleepy.

Checked my facebook, saw a tag post. It's about the video. Told to shorten it, for a film festival in the university. I could feel a sudden prick in the heart, and it triggered the fall. The tears fell. Just couldn't contain it. '5am in the morning' I thought to myself, 'I must be crazy'.

I was blamed for many things, but where were the efforts that I have put in? I was blamed for things that crossed the minds, the only bad things, but where were those where I laid my sleepless nights to fulfill and complete something as best as I could? I understood well, that was my responsibility, that was what I offered, therefore that was what I delivered. It may not be the most perfect work, but based on the final outcome, it was still on par with the rest, seeing the comparison. We did well enough, I did well enough, they saw what was final, and they gave us what was due. I made it happen for us, but now re-phrasing it - I made it happen, except for myself. I never got the credits, never got what was due.

I was told I never showed it to the rest. Ever thought about my days and nights just like anyone elses? Assignments equally piling, with a greater responsibility to make sure everything falls to place when there are those that are unanimously known as untrustable within the group. I had to rush, have I ever been given any understanding? I work through nights, trying to do my best, have I been given any appreciation?

I wasn't there much for discussions, but were my ideas ever respected whenever I gave one? Often brushed off like dust, how do I maintain my enthusiasm? Though I wasn't there, but I performed my duties. When it lasts through the night to the morning, everyone stayed together at one place, was I ever invited to stay for the night together, all the more that I stayed so far away from where things were happening? I drove home that late night trying to reach home safely, but stopped for speeding. I begged to be spared from a RM300 speeding ticket.

When I asked to make things better the previous time, I was asked to pay myself. Though unfair as it was, but I still paid the major sum. We were complimented for a job well done. When I gave my ideas, they were still brushed off quickly like dust, and all the more the song was one I wrote, and I had the story tied to song in mind. The story that came out was different from the story of the song. Nevertheless, I put in my last efforts. I was glad then, we were one of the best. That was what I have mended and have shown, and that was what we got.

Talk about her. Her ideas were brushed off like haze, I drove her all the way to get what she wanted. I sent here there, I sent here home, and went off to another location a distance away to join a rehearsal as part of my responsibility. But it ended when I reached. It was her want, her idea, others may think it's foolish, but I know how it felt. Has anyone respected? She was appointed, but why oppose her? If can't trust her, why allow her? If she is not any better, why don't take it from her? Why make it so difficult?

I tried to be part of the group, but felt unwelcomed. I talked, but almost no reply. Given a cold shoulder, as cold as ice, I just felt like I'm not meant to be part of it. I took the responsibility, which I felt I could perform and be part of something, but I was blamed for not being a team. But that was my responsibility in the nights, and neither did I get any support nor encouragement without being ordered to work like a slave and as if my ideas were not worth a shot. When lunch was ready, everybody was set at the dining table. Nobody offered me, only among friends offers were given. While I was thinking all the time, how do get it done, and through those nights when I figured things out, was I given a single encouragement to say that 'I can do it' when I felt that I can't cope with so many things on my mind at one time?

I was told I am not supposed to give my own input, but I did consult with whom is due to give an opinion on  my intentions and my input, but I was blamed for doing things on my own and not working together. Are her ideas not worthy of consideration? Are her decisions not worthy of trust and acceptance? I was told that the feeling of a group is wanted, but has anyone ever been sensitive enough to know how I felt? I tried to tell, but I was brushed off. The same way. Jovial and bubbly, that was what I was told by someone older than me. When I broke down, I was just stared at in disbelief.

I did much, but none was taken into account based on my position and responsibilities. I delivered the best I could, I worked till the last minute and even after it. But I am still not a part of it, judging from what I could see. Expecting me to complete it for another event for people to see it, I can't afford to do it. Something tells me it's not worth it. I hurt just by looking at it, I hurt just by thinking about it.

I can't help but pour it out right here on my personal space, 5am in the morning. I kept it, but now I just want to spill it. At least, this time let me feel some comfort in saying it.


Happy Mother's Day, Mummy

A simple note to all mothers, and specially to my own mummy:

'Happy Mother's Day'

=) Lovey lovey lovey... (^^)

Huggy huggy huggy (^^)




20.03.2010, my birthday.
*Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to Jean,
Happy birthday to me*

It was really an unforgettable day for me.

First and foremost is that this is the first time in my whole life I actually celebrated my birthday with the person I love. This is the first time in fact that I really get to go out and celebrate my birthday and really have fun, though not everything went as planned. ^.^

We wanted to watch Alice in Wonderland 3D version, but unfortunately, the tickets were all sold out. So our movie plan's cancelled and we went straight for lunch. We went to Pasta Zanmai, which I really loved that restaurant because of its food, and I really love green tea too. Hehe.. Well, we had our lunch and all and went off to take a short walk in Midvalley, and took some photos in the Alice in Wonderland setting. It was really lovely. The giant door, the stone decorated grassy floor, the huge faced-flowers and the long vintage table. ^^

The main plan for that day was the Super Junior Concert in the evening. We went for a yogurt ice-cream before that. Well, I will count that as a birthday cake. LOL.. Cause I was too full before that for anymore cake. ^^ Then we went for the concert. We were pretty early that day, but there were already a lot of people there waiting, mainly young girls who can't wait to see their idols performing and get to attract their attention on them. Haha...Oh well.. It was a hot day, and I asked to get a fan to fan away the heat that's surrounding me. Hehe.. The fans cost RM24 for 2. T.T So expensive.. And I asked to see the entrance tickets from Ken, my boy boy. Hehe.. Well, he didn't want to show me before that, and said after we buy the fans. So ya.. I waited until after we bought the fans, and asked him to show me the tickets, so that I can see from where we will be entering the hall. 

Well, he handed me the tickets, and I was checking. Hmm.. Something was wrong there. There was no 'U' which indicated upper level, and all I saw was 'L' for lower tier. I checked the price and it indicated RM458, not RM238 which I paid. Hmm... Something is obviously wrong there. Then I guess my boy boy saw me blur and wondering. So he just softly pinched my face and said, 'I bought RM458 ticket for you la... Are you awake or not?' LOL... WHAT A SURPRISE! I was like... 'You bought RM458 for me? You really did?'

Haha.. that was a big surprise for me... First, I thought somebody gave a wrong ticket to us, but actually he purposely bought it for me, so that I can have a better view of the concert? I was just touched by it and well.. I kinda teared. *SHY* Ok, I teared. #^^# Haha.. it was so sweet of him, to bring me out and to give me a surprise. And I really had a great time there in the concert, with one of the Super Junior members walking down from one of the stairs which is just 2 seats away from my right, and I could see so clearly the concert. He even grabbed the flower threw by Shin Dong for me.. And the way he whispered 'Happy Birthday... I love you' in my ears, it was really so sweet and romantic. ^^ It still brings smiles to me when I remember it.

I am just thankful... Thankful to have him in my life. ^^ Thankful to be able to spend my birthday with him, be it with and without the surprises and all. You already are the best gift I have.

Thanks darling. And also thanks for making your friends wish me Happy Birthday. ^^

And thanks to everybody who wished me on my birthday. Love ya'll lots.

Love~ HUGS~


It's time to think

It's really time for me to think.

What is thoroughly wrong with me?

I cannot cope, no matter how. It wasn't this way last time. I get so stressed up so easily and so thoroughly disappointed with myself. I put effort, but my effort is always insufficient. I mess up things so badly, that it is beginning to drive me crzy with the overwhelming guilt that I am currently facing. It feels as though I am just so stupid and useless, that there is nothing, and I really mean nothing at all that I can do well enough and be able to complete it without making a mess out of it and creating problems for myself and people around me. I always convince myself, if people can do it, so can I. But the 'so can I', I somehow cannot achieve.

I know that I am not a careful person, not a person who can really look into details that I should be  looking, but I am trying to be like that, I am trying to change to be better. But I'm just not getting anywhere. Am I doing too much? But I have let go things to make time for my studies. Then why is it not paying off?

Could it be just that I'm too stupid? If it is so, then who can I blame but me that I just don't have the brains? But still, I really put effort, I really did. Or maybe my effort was not enough?

Maybe it was just not enough. Maybe I am just not doing enough to improve myself and make myself even better. Maybe that's just it.

For once, I can't help feeling this way - I hate myself, pretty much.

I hate useless people, and now I'm hating myself for being quite a useless bump.

Wait till the day that I know how to be a little more useful and make lives better for myself and my friends and group members, probably I will be able to have a little more peace with me.

I need to be better. I really need to be...

I want to be...