It's time to think

It's really time for me to think.

What is thoroughly wrong with me?

I cannot cope, no matter how. It wasn't this way last time. I get so stressed up so easily and so thoroughly disappointed with myself. I put effort, but my effort is always insufficient. I mess up things so badly, that it is beginning to drive me crzy with the overwhelming guilt that I am currently facing. It feels as though I am just so stupid and useless, that there is nothing, and I really mean nothing at all that I can do well enough and be able to complete it without making a mess out of it and creating problems for myself and people around me. I always convince myself, if people can do it, so can I. But the 'so can I', I somehow cannot achieve.

I know that I am not a careful person, not a person who can really look into details that I should be  looking, but I am trying to be like that, I am trying to change to be better. But I'm just not getting anywhere. Am I doing too much? But I have let go things to make time for my studies. Then why is it not paying off?

Could it be just that I'm too stupid? If it is so, then who can I blame but me that I just don't have the brains? But still, I really put effort, I really did. Or maybe my effort was not enough?

Maybe it was just not enough. Maybe I am just not doing enough to improve myself and make myself even better. Maybe that's just it.

For once, I can't help feeling this way - I hate myself, pretty much.

I hate useless people, and now I'm hating myself for being quite a useless bump.

Wait till the day that I know how to be a little more useful and make lives better for myself and my friends and group members, probably I will be able to have a little more peace with me.

I need to be better. I really need to be...

I want to be...