Journey With Jean

I felt like shit.. And am still feeling like shit..

Why am I such a fool? Who am I to think that I could change you? Me?

At this point of time, I recall back what I have said to you, when I said I promise you that I will stay and help you. To be honest, I must be crazy.. I think I have been. Who am I trying to fool here with all those stupid things and promises?

It's my fault to blame that I only realised things were too late when the hurt was already too great. Thinking that maybe this time I could make that difference, but I must have been joking, just that I did not realise it was a joke.

I don't care if you read this or not, you are by far one of the worst I have came across and one of the worst I have tried to help and which at the end of the day I am the one who has to hurt more than you who claims that you are hurt! You are ridiculous, I am ridiculous.

We broke out from square one, now we brought things back to square one. Whatever that you say now, to me everything is just stupid words that comes out from you. No longer can I trust you in anything and with anything, and I know that I harbour hatred and anger towards you and this extra slash is difficult to mend.

Everything all around me now is killing me. If people can understand in what situation I am in, maybe things would be different. But I have my past, I have conditions I am ashamed of and which I cannot tell. Don't ask me to share anything which I do not want to, for I have the right to choose. And if you really intend to support me since the beginning, you wouldn't have disappointed me and discouraged me. You only did one, and you are already complaining. Do a few continuously, and maybe you will be able to feel how I felt when I was already tired and strained enough and now you are expecte to strain yourself even more. I also have a life. You have many things on your hands, and so do I. I have my mistakes, and so do all of you. If you cannot forgive, I cannot say much. But no matter how, this is how I truly felt - I have been battling ALONE.

Maybe it was just my sensitivity, and my inability to see. I feared so much, and worried so much that I really cannot hang on there. I am not as strong as certain people, I was cut out to be the worst in history. If you are looking into a perfect leader in me, I am sorry to disappoint you because no matter how I am still a human and I am still trying to learn to make the right decisions even if it is going to take me a whole life to do so.

Maybe someday I will be able to be happy again and know exactly what I am doing. Till now, I am still wondering and frantically searching.

And to you who have hurt me, we are truly back to square one. Hopefully someday things will turn to be better. You have gone too far and it was too much.